I had been a vegetarian for 1 year, 6 months, and 5 days when I got The Call.
It was Hunter’s sister. She managed to choke out his name before breaking down into incomprehensible sobs. “Hunter what, Sarah? Hunter what?” I couldn’t stop shaking. Somehow, I knew exactly what she was going to say before the words left her mouth.
“Hunter is no longer with us,” she whispered quietly.
Silence on my end, whimpering on hers.
I’m sure eventually I said something, although I can’t remember what. All I remember is feeling like I was being slowly crushed, pinned beneath one heavy rock at a time. What do you do when the love of your life is dead?
Dazed, I began to walk. I had only moved into my apartment a few days earlier and wasn’t yet familiar with the neighborhood, but that didn’t matter. I focused on moving my feet forward, one step at a time, hoping that somehow I would end up where I wanted to be.
I know they say you’re supposed to lose your appetite after something like this, but suddenly, I was starving. Ravenous. I felt like there was a hole in my insides, and the only way to fill it was with food.
I finally stopped walking to stand in front of the counter at a local sandwich shop. What came out of my mouth next shocked me out of my daze, if only momentarily. “I’ll have a twelve inch grinder, please. I want pepperoni, salami, ham, and bacon.” I clapped my hand over my mouth, stunned.
2 minutes and $8.60 later, I wasn’t a vegetarian anymore.
Thus began my “grief eating,” a brief period of time during which I existed on a steady diet of meat and wine (well, mostly wine). When I had finally slept off the month-long hangover and regained a bit of clarity, I found that the hole in my insides was still there, demanding to be filled. And so I set out to fill it: for the next year, it seems like all I did was eat.
And eat.
And eat.
Guess what? The hole didn’t go away, and I wound up 217 pounds. My epiphany came a few weeks ago, when I was sitting at Hunter’s grave. I realized that eating isn’t going to make me miss him less, and it’s certainly not going to make me happier. He would have hated seeing me this way.
I’ve decided to put misery on hold and try something new for a change. Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I want to work on finding positive ways to fill the void. Through proper diet and exercise, I plan to get down to a healthy weight. I know it will be a long journey, but I’m hoping that somehow as I lose the pounds, I’ll find myself. In addition to journaling about my weight loss efforts, I plan to use this blog for a few other things. Below is the list of what I hope to accomplish on here:
- At the start of each week, I want to give myself three “assignments”: one intellectual, one spiritual, and one physical. Each Monday I’ll post the week’s assignments, and throughout the rest of the week I’ll track my progress to hold myself accountable.
- Every 10 pounds, I plan to post photos of my body so that I can see how far I’ve come.
- To keep myself motivated, every Friday I will post an outfit or item of clothing I’d like to buy once I reach goal.
As of this morning, I weigh 202.0 pounds. I’m eating between 1200-1400 calories a day and hitting the gym for about an hour daily.
I can do this.
